the spotlight effect: why we think everyone is watching us
Have you ever felt like everyone is watching you, scrutinizing your every move, post, word, and gesture? You're not alone. This feeling is known as the spotlight effect, and many of us experience it in various situations, such as when sharing our art online, in social gatherings, or at our jobs. But is this perception of being constantly watched and judged accurate?
Simply put, the spotlight effect is the tendency to overestimate or exaggerate how much attention we receive from others and the extent to which they notice and evaluate our behavior, appearance, or performance. It can trigger the all-too-familiar self-consciousness, social comparison, and a chronic sense of dissatisfaction.
In this blog post, we'll explore all aspects of the spotlight effect, its impact on our life and identity, and practical strategies to overcome it. Join me as we dive into the fascinating world of cognitive biases and self-perception.
take a deep breath and remind yourself that you don’t have to be in control of everything.
First, What is a Cognitive Bias?
Scientifically speaking, the spotlight effect is considered a cognitive bias: a systematic mistake or deviation in your thinking when you judge things or make decisions. These "errors" can happen for different reasons, such as using shortcuts, external influence, or emotional states.
Cognitive biases affect every area of our lives. Here are some examples you might have heard of:
The Halo Effect: causes our impression of someone or something in one domain to influence our impression of them in other domains. For example, judging a book by its cover: assuming that if somebody is physically attractive, then they must have an interesting personality or be financially successful.
The Rhyme-as-Reason Effect: makes us more likely to remember, repeat, and believe statements that contain a rhyme compared to those that do not. For instance, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away" vs "Apples prevent illnesses."
The Hindsight Bias: or the Knew-It-All-Along phenomenon, is the tendency to perceive past events as being more predictable than they were.
There are many more cognitive biases, making it a fascinating area of study that can provide valuable insights. You may even identify some of these biases within yourself or someone you know.
The Spotlight Effect in Real Life
I dare say that for most creative individuals, the consequences of the spotlight affect their daily lives in one way or another.
It might result in not giving yourself a chance to improve your craft and take necessary actions, like working on your illustrations or filming a video, because you're already thinking about what others might say about it.
It can also look like not sharing your artwork on social media because, deep down, you think everyone will judge you for it and make assumptions about how bad you are at what you do.
Or it can manifest as avoiding participating in group discussions or speaking a new language because you overestimate how likely people are to notice your "mistakes”, a new blemish on your face, or a stain on your shirt.
The sad thing about the spotlight effect is that, while it may seem amusing and even absurd when explained like this, its grip on our lives is definitely real. I often catch myself shelving YouTube videos because I feel like I explained something poorly or because I think my eyebrows or the background look ugly in one clip.
Many people are hesitant to share content online because they don't think they look attractive enough or their lives aren't interesting enough. They're afraid that their followers will judge them harshly for being who they are.
“Stop booing yourself out of stage before anybody had a chance to see you perform.”
How it Conditions Our Relationships
Because the spotlight effect is considered an egocentric bias (you rely too heavily on your own point of view), it can also create a sense of social disconnection. When we believe everyone is fixated on the same things we are, it can become difficult to empathize.
Here are other ways, besides social anxiety, in which the Spotlight Effect might be affecting your relationships:
You don’t act like yourself: when you hyper-analyze and scrutinize everything you do, you present an artificial version of yourself that is not authentic.
You think less of other people: consuming so many mental resources focusing on yourself makes it difficult to connect with and be mindful of the people you care about.
Your worldview becomes narrow: by placing yourself at the center of other people's minds, you become unable to recognize their unique, individual perspectives and characteristics.
You come across as self-centered: constantly asking your friends and family questions about yourself ultimately gives the impression that you only care about yourself, which is not ideal.
The “Horrible” Truth
A “sad” but liberating piece of information that is crucial in counteracting the spotlight effect is that other people never care about us as much as we think they do. The truth is that most people are too worried about themselves to pay attention to (or even remember long-term) our every move or physical appearance.
While accepting that others don't care as much about us as we may have thought can hurt our egos, it also frees us from the crippling notion that we are constantly being scrutinized. As a result, we allow ourselves to make mistakes because they most likely won't be acknowledged or remembered.
Revisiting this fact can help reduce the social anxiety caused by the spotlight effect. However, there are still other ways to address it.
Role Reversal
Let's take action. First, try distancing yourself from a situation by imagining how you would react if the roles were reversed.
You may spend all day worrying about an awkward silence during a conversation with your manager, but I bet you wouldn't pay as much attention to someone fumbling their words during a presentation at 9 am. While you might have noticed it, it was likely just a brief thought that crossed your mind for no more than a minute.
Here's the thing: what feels like the end of the world to you, other people might not even give it a second thought, and vice versa. Most of the time, we are more understanding and forgiving with those around us than we are with ourselves.
If you need some grounding and comfort when things feel overwhelming, putting things into perspective can be helpful. Ask yourself: how often do you remember what other people wore, or how much you cared about it?
The “Ok, and?” Method
One day, I stumbled upon an equally brilliant and hypnotizing video on YouTube by the self-help guru TheWizardLiz, titled "This video will make you confident" (one of my personal favorites, along with "You're a clown").
In the video, the gorgeous, wise, and sometimes Machiavellian wizard, Liz, shares with us a nugget of wisdom that has stuck with me to this day: the "Ok, and?" mentality.
In simple terms, this method requires you to ask yourself "ok, and?" every time you have negative thoughts about your actions or behavior, or when you refrain from doing something because you're worried about what others might think.
It's true that there may be some people out there who judge you harshly for the content you post on the internet. Perhaps one of your high school acquaintances, or a friend of a friend, is laughing or cringing at it as you read this.
But if we think about it objectively, does it really matter? Does the negative perception of a small fraction of people have any significant impact on our daily lives? Unless you're in showbiz, most likely it doesn't.
The truth is that humans make mistakes and we cannot be liked and appreciated by everyone, nor should we try to be. For instance, when I wear red lipstick out in public, I might feel like the center of attention for a moment because of some disapproving stares. However, am I responsible for strangers’ reactions when I am just living my life and trying my best? No.
This second tactic is all about imagining the worst-case scenario and asking yourself if it's really that bad. Most probably, you can survive it.
So, that person might think I’m dumb, unattractive, and/or untalented…
Ok, and?
It’s Okay to Ask for Help
Getting feedback from people you trust, who are aware of your insecurities, can be very helpful in overcoming the spotlight effect. You'll receive valuable input and a fresh perspective, which can point out situations where you're overestimating how much attention people are giving you. Think of it not as an absolute negation of your insecurities, but rather as a reality check.
Moreover, by asking for help, you're bringing the issue you're dealing with to the surface, and you're more likely to address it. For instance, if you're not good at speaking to the camera, you might start putting yourself out there more often or learning about public speaking in an online course.
Remember, you're not alone. Many people feel as though the spotlight is on them, too. By opening up and being vulnerable, you not only empower yourself but also help others realize that their feelings are normal and that they can feel safe around you.
Authenticity is the Key
From a spiritual perspective, it is not sustainable in the long term to change the way you look or act based on what others might think of you. This can directly lead to burnout, followed by a breakdown of your identity.
The spotlight effect is a symptom of a deeper problem. When we start overestimating how others perceive us, we feed our insecurities and the voice that tells us it's not safe to be ourselves.
Worry steals joy from the present and, over time, makes you hate yourself for caring so much and for becoming someone who isn't really you.
To prevent the spotlight effect from haunting us, we need to address the underlying issue of why we outsource our self-worth to other people. Ask yourself:
What am I trying to prove, and why?
What does my authentic self look and feel like?
Whose opinion matters to me the most?
As a reminder, the Spotlight Effect can also cause us to overestimate the likelihood that others will notice positive aspects about us. Therefore, never delegate your sense of self to others' opinions. It's like running on a hamster wheel.
Summary
Here are some key steps you can take to break free from the spotlight effect:
Understand that the spotlight effect is a cognitive bias, and that others don't actually care as much about us as we believe they do.
Use role reversal and the "Ok, and?" method to put things into perspective and reduce social anxiety.
Seek feedback from trusted individuals to gain a fresh perspective and address underlying issues.
Focus on authenticity and self-worth, and don't delegate your sense of self to others' opinions.
Final Word
The spotlight effect is something that I personally struggle with when sharing content online. It has led me to spend countless hours focusing on small details, pursuing the unicorn that is perfection, all to avoid getting hurt.
As a final thought, I want to share that while letting your guard down and being vulnerable can lead to pain and disapproval from others, the pain of not living authentically is far worse for your soul.
Whether you're hiding or doubting your art, job, or ability to have healthy relationships, remember that the best thing you can bring to the table is yourself, not the perfect version you think others prefer.
I hope you have a great week. I'll see you soon,
Jean